I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
