I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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