I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
