i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
