high people should be assigned attendants
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
