have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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