Say something about gay babies.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
