Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
