I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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