I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
