Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
