My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
