Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
