It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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