i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
