too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
