She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I deserve this hangover.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
