I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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