Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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