i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
