So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
