the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
