I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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