Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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