a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
