Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
