I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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