I'm so fucking centered right now
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
