Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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