you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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