U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
