omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
