I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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