if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
