He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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