You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
