Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
