wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
