I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
