She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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