If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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