The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
