Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
