you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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