The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
