i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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