It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
