the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
