Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
