i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
