I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
