my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just cropdusted the office
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
