First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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