i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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