forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
