You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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