Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
