You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
