Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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