Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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