Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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