you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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