Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
